An Inhuman Condition

These are a few pieces of flash fiction from the Blue Valentines lot that were off subject or unrelated.

Like Adults

“That’s the thing I just don’t get,” Walter paused to light up another cigarette. “When do we just accept that we are adults?”

It was March, and spring was creeping in. The night would have been great if not for the shrill cold of the wind. It had a way of sneaking around one’s jacket chilling the neck and arms. It was winter’s last stand, a covert frost-op meant as propaganda that snow might rise again to cover the streets, cars and yards of unsuspecting American citizens, another reminder that terror could strike at home.

The two men stood for a minute pondering the question. When precisely did life throw you a bar mitzvah to let you know? Was it the first time you lived alone? Maybe the first job you take with a salary or getting married were the key. Was it something silly like renting a car, owning a home, having a kid? They were there without realizing it. Any signal of adulthood they could list was happening to them and their peers. Life’s excitements were fewer every year.

“I think this must be what happens, you know?” Walter shook his head while he spoke. “It’s like one minute we’re out of school, and the next thing you do is let life creep up on you. Whether you want it or not, it just clicks one day that this is adulthood. There’s nothing new or special about it. None of us really know what we’re doing out here, and the best you can hope for is that nobody calls your bluff.”

“But how the hell are we adults? I just asked a girl to have sex with me in the back of my car,” David didn’t seem to have any remorse over it either. “You were flirting with a girl in there who can’t be older than nineteen. Is that something adults do? They shouldn’t let us around people.”

“Maybe not, but I think this is it. I don’t think we’re going to grow out of shit like this, not until we settle down. But even then, maybe we’re just maladjusted.”

“Let’s hope so.”

“I don’t know if that’s going to change. We could be married, and you could easily have kids by now. All it would take is a few different twists in our lives, you know. At this point we know plenty of married people. If I got someone pregnant, my mom wouldn’t kick my ass. She’d be happy as hell, you know? Like it’s something I’m expected to do now.”

“But come on, we both know we couldn’t handle healthy, normal relationships right now.”

“I think that goes back to maladjusted. But my point is it wouldn’t be weird. Nobody would care. It would be ordinary, commonplace. We’d be just like everyone else in our demographic. Another statistic for pushing-thirty, adult men.”

“But do adult men have dinosaur slippers?”

“Apparently! That’s what I mean. Whatever we do is what adults do because we are adults.
I mean, fuck, man. I pay property taxes and own a business. I’ve been looking at getting health insurance. On paper, I’m as adult as I’m going to get.”

“I’m as adult as a fisting video.” David stared at a girl as she walked away.

Walt turned to look. “Damn, son. I need an adult. Her ass did weird things to my manhood.”

“I’d do weird things to her ass with my manhood.”

“Yeah, that too.” Even after finishing the cigarette, Walter could see his breath in the air. Spring would have to wait. It was so cold, and, calendars be damned, the snow was invading again.